so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
