Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
