I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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