I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
