Texts From Last Night · Giant4Hire's Favorites

Sorry inifekt hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Giant4Hire's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(336): View more from North Carolina

My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."

Fav 2 400 220
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.

Fav 5 904 486
share tweet

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

gay sex achievement: unlocked

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

what

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

you told me you were going out for groceries!!

Fav 2 972 462
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!

Fav 0 843 396
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.

Fav 2 984 411
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet

Fav 0 1002 434
share tweet

(613): View more from Ontario

You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"

Fav 3 968 418
share tweet

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.

Fav 1 936 493
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.

(813): View more from Florida

Where were you?

(727): View more from Florida

Laughing

Fav 2 971 398
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes

Fav 2 946 384
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.

Fav 3 1025 482
share tweet

(248): View more from Michigan

I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.

Fav 1 1160 440
share tweet

(704): View more from North Carolina

What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?

Fav 4 1167 447
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO

Fav 1 791 479
share tweet

(678): View more from Georgia

If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.

Fav 5 1105 526
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.

Fav 7 934 458
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

She didn't like my gingervitis joke

Fav 2 1326 701
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.

Fav 4 2219 631
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.

Fav 0 657 454
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot

Fav 0 517 703
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.

Fav 2 589 796
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.

Fav 0 805 482
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

best eviction party ever.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.

Fav 2 1082 596
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie

Fav 0 882 663
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.

Fav 5 1150 590
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis

Fav 3 815 485
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.

(870): View more from Arkansas

Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?

Fav 2 878 520
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".

Fav 5 1138 491
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.

Fav 4 1031 536
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.

Fav 2 1133 598
share tweet
(438): View more from Quebec

the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love

Fav 0 1081 511
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.

Fav 0 734 487
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.

Fav 2 1027 690
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.

Fav 4 1395 865
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.

Fav 4 982 623
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you win?

Fav 10 2735 713
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm

Fav 3 1018 966
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.

Fav 1 892 540
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

3 2 1 whiskey

Fav 1 928 493
share tweet
(916): View more from California

That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt

Fav 0 970 681
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that

Fav 4 1064 581
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that

(517): View more from Michigan

Speaking

Fav 1 1085 591
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!

(847): View more from Illinois

1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us

Fav 1 1251 607
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.

(904): View more from Florida

You're a good person. Sharing is caring.

Fav 0 1429 599
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

You get 5 min

(586): View more from Michigan

Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.

Fav 4 1517 662
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro

Fav 1 1587 595
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water

Fav 3 1437 616
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.

Fav 8 999 601
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

Fav 4 1860 668
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

When in doubt, it's too much cheese

Fav 11 467 723
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

you win some, you lose some.

Fav 2 594 669
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.

Fav 3 744 684
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.

(619): View more from California

.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.

Fav 4 1040 600
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers

Fav 4 914 565
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly

Fav 2 959 509
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?

(1-360): View more from Washington

I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.

Fav 3 1568 531
share tweet
(510): View more from California

A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out

Fav 5 1992 709
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural

(407): View more from Florida

YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT

(239): View more from Florida

..........

Fav 8 1916 765
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Since when do you jog?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs

Fav 1 1521 511
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.

Fav 5 1661 837
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.

Fav 4 1690 681
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes

Fav 5 1842 679
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.

Fav 5 1942 738
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

Fav 3 1931 672
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.

Fav 5 1420 775
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.

Fav 4 1158 720
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."

Fav 4 1728 660
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you

(1-240): View more from Maryland

Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina

Fav 8 2230 812
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

Fav 6 3036 763
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.

Fav 7 925 495
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I want your cock.

(910): View more from North Carolina

All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd

Fav 11 1183 767
share tweet
(682): View more from Texas

I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.

Fav 10 1314 754
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator

Fav 9 1106 806
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire

Fav 7 1855 782
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?

Fav 7 1708 617
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be there in a few.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'M COUNTING TO FEW.

Fav 5 1363 707
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

Fav 6 1899 708
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?

(647): View more from Ontario

Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.

Fav 5 2268 696
share tweet
(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.

Fav 6 1012 767
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink

Fav 8 1204 605
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close

Fav 12 1973 724
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Put some vodka in it

(424): View more from California

Its 7am

(323): View more from California

put some vodka in it

Fav 7 2269 776
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.

Fav 2 1253 759
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me

Fav 3 1838 615
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.

(201): View more from New Jersey

... and if i was..

(213): View more from California

Fuck. You.

Fav 5 2092 834
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink

Fav 7 2092 729
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

Fav 4 2294 807
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

(415): View more from California

I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

Fav 7 2878 875
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.

Fav 5 1870 724
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.

Fav 4 1850 813
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!

Fav 4 2058 966
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

Fav 12 3703 834
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Why am I feeling up grandma?!

(312): View more from Illinois

I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.

Fav 2 1610 803
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.

Fav 5 1462 678
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?

Fav 5 1670 611
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE

(1-914): View more from New York

YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.

(845): View more from New York

I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER

Fav 7 2383 813
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

Fav 3 2708 846
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.

Fav 13 2313 783
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

(905): View more from Ontario

Fuhga

(250): View more from British Columbia

Thank you.

Fav 3 1872 1030
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.

Fav 6 2001 757
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.

Fav 6 1752 963
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

8===D

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

Fav 12 2254 813
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.

(404): View more from Georgia

My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.

Fav 15 3302 840
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.

Fav 5 3127 666
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Let me tell you the story of bicurious george

Fav 8 1748 875
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain

(330): View more from Ohio

Marry him now.

Fav 6 1464 723
share tweet
(+32): View more from Belgium

You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...

Fav 2 1289 624
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.

Fav 12 933 1391
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

and on the seventh day, God created megan fox

Fav 66 4480 1755
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

Fav 6 1094 591
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.

Fav 6 1136 570
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Alive.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

So much puke

Fav 0 652 1170
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"

(573): View more from Missouri

Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?

Fav 8 1917 814
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.

Fav 4 1940 716
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha

(1-314): View more from Missouri

No.

Fav 4 834 715
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.

Fav 2 1282 661
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive

Fav 3 1565 672
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

Fav 26 4777 1012
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.

(303): View more from Colorado

That's all I've ever wanted.

Fav 6 1602 705
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning

Fav 4 1344 651
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.

(1-518): View more from New York

Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.

Fav 3 2045 718
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"

Fav 3 1369 948
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.

Fav 9 1109 595
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics

Fav 8 1307 635
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.

Fav 6 1684 813
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...

Fav 8 1599 765
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.

Fav 16 2020 700
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.

Fav 7 1852 670
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver

Fav 5 2027 808
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

Fav 7 2007 761
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

Fav 1 2157 1086
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy

Fav 5 1561 641
share tweet
(619): View more from California

But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.

Fav 18 1033 1301
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover

Fav 4 1034 689
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...

Fav 9 722 1227
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?

Fav 13 2022 862
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51208 2738
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53787 3102
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53709 3599
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53649 6693
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67660 4391
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68661 3916
share tweet
(916): View more from California

nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds

Fav 5 1530 2798
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.

(502): View more from Kentucky

Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.

Fav 11 2345 735
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.

Fav 4 979 720
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven

Fav 4 1438 645
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!

Fav 6 2587 876
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

Fav 12 2669 1386
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween

Fav 4 2509 799
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake

Fav 6 2638 680
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

Fav 11 2784 818
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.

Fav 13 2924 1020
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

Fav 7 3422 1185
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

Fav 19 3725 1060
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday

Fav 5 812 1065
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore

Fav 3 1039 546
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.

Fav 13 2960 1018
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

(1-319): View more from Iowa

THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

Fav 12 3225 779
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

Fav 10 2528 896
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

omg mom no

(504): View more from Louisiana

It's so blood brotha crip what be good

Fav 17 2554 1139
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

BoomCity!!!

(1-937): View more from Ohio

You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.

Fav 10 2697 742
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Twice...

Fav 7 1677 731
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

Fav 21 4452 970
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.

Fav 11 1624 780
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

Fav 13 3420 991
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

Fav 12 3349 969
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.

Fav 12 662 1163
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

Fav 9 2908 891
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina

(513): View more from Ohio

Post that event on your timeline

Fav 31 1965 765
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

10 points to you

Fav 8 2418 721
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.

Fav 13 1602 831
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.

Fav 9 2523 709
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

Fav 19 2187 859
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???

Fav 20 2734 849
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!

Fav 10 2538 772
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?

Fav 7 1487 653
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.

Fav 1 1275 620
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.

Fav 7 1393 765
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.

Fav 8 1622 755
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.

Fav 2 1183 663
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I cannot FaceTime with your penis

Fav 10 1279 760
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am

Fav 6 2065 1031
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

Fav 11 3640 1159
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

Fav 12 4169 1086
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

Fav 17 3974 1139
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

Fav 8 4306 1112
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale

Fav 7 2143 765
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?

Fav 6 3466 1011
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.

Fav 19 3098 925
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

Fav 21 5270 1145
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?

(540): View more from Virginia

Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude

Fav 9 1379 2639
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.

Fav 7 1264 800
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.

Fav 1 1459 799
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

(1-214): View more from Texas

I love you.

Fav 5 2888 859
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.

Fav 16 1808 801
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.

Fav 6 1851 778
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm bringing the tv in with me.

Fav 17 2255 1398
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles

Fav 10 2134 819
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

Fav 8 2244 891
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.

Fav 5 2296 912
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.

Fav 8 2203 893
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?

Fav 4 1445 1084
share tweet
(438): View more from Quebec

Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.

Fav 4 1726 1071
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.

Fav 11 1910 1469
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid

Fav 3 908 2270
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.

Fav 6 1633 815
share tweet
(457): View more from

Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though

Fav 8 1530 803
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.

Fav 8 1474 795
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

Fav 10 2311 1164
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.

Fav 6 2441 762
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.

Fav 3 1341 1058
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person

Fav 2 1391 731
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.

Fav 4 2060 1405
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen

Fav 3 1364 1877
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood

Fav 5 1788 1299
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...

Fav 5 2620 937
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial

Fav 16 1956 785
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden

Fav 11 2271 946
share tweet
(619): View more from California

THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO

Fav 6 652 1058
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.

Fav 10 1362 677
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car

Fav 2 1308 755
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.

Fav 3 1550 716
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Love me.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just for one nugget?

Fav 6 3121 1057
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home

Fav 10 2288 704
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.

Fav 1 1465 697
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.

Fav 21 1423 810
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

Fav 12 4348 1197
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146092 10744
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Post-sex nachos deserve a song.

Fav 8 1519 693
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?

Fav 7 1446 1183
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .

Fav 22 1434 3232
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK

Fav 20 1163 2694
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.

Fav 8 1311 792
share tweet
(805): View more from California

There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it

Fav 6 1478 800
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.

Fav 6 2335 990
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...

Fav 3 1102 708
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?

Fav 6 1010 1505
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.

Fav 4 1822 1246
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

Fav 14 4135 998
share tweet
(209): View more from California

High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

Fav 4 3804 997
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

Fav 27 3888 1104
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

Fav 11 4040 1015
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

Fav 24 4667 1053
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

Fav 148 8159 70873
share tweet
(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

Fav 175 7673 81658
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61938 8169
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

Fav 209 64411 3036
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

Fav 116 67827 4683
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75095 3009
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 137221 6911
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89715 8271
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88706 9680
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76377 3427
share tweet