Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
