I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
