Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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