Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
