is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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