normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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