I think scott just propositioned me for sex
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
