I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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