she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
