Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
