Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
