listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
