I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
