My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
how does that bad decision feel?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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