this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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