Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
