i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
