The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
