Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
