so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
