my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
