Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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