She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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