I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Too much gin, very little bucket
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
