Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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