Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
