Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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