U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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