You can't motorboat a personality
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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