I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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