My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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