dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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