Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
