we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
