You don't have asthma, your pregnant
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm like, not good at living.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
