Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
