I am spending my child support on dildos
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
