I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
