i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
