So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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