There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
