This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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