There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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