Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
