He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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